i wanted to remember how it felt a year ago
and cast a net aimed at reclaiming the feeling
because falling is so often about a fantasy us,
though it is also about “me“
the selections zig zag towards a
destination that is not known,
but felt, propelled by faith,
an instinct,
a revelation in process
“heaven” makes an appearance three times incidentally,
and though its presence feels more alive with purpose,
when i say “heaven” it never seems to touch death.
i invoked it often in the last year
in times of peace and joy,
profound moments of belonging
you, [redacted] like heaven
say yes to heaven
say yes to me
became my anthem as i came into a new home
by far my highest point of residential ascension
entering new levels of daylight,
higher ground
[they said welcome home when they found me on beverly boulevard
and part of me wanted to contest
but i said that’s so funny, but it feels nice.
maybe heaven is a home.]
heaven is played as tears rolled down my face,
soon to be peeled back,
at the transference of gifts
you said everyone sends their love
i wear the cedar beads R gave me daily,
often sleeping in them,
and wonder where i fit into his regard.
insecurity notwithstanding,
i am grateful for your friend.
where can heaven find us in our less virtuous moments?
in our shame?
i asked a guy i like
(he’s goodbad, but he’s not evil)
where do the hybrids go?
(we’ve been charting sites of worship
for angels and devils both)
at my own appeals to goodness,
i ask myself,
what did fetishizing innocence ever do for anyone who did not also define the terms of it?
and in this space between us
after the rupture
i wonder
could this be heaven too?
what should be recovered from ruin
and how to not see it as mere consolation?
looping round the spiral back to a kind of start
in recognition of something essential
borne in us
from before
years ago, i remember my mother talking about
coming back
to the girl that X fell in love with
as if i had traveled so very far away
and maybe i had
(rage carries)
(fear even further)
it is never quite a perfect return,
not really,
but there is still in me a hunger for the answer
here’s a collection of things i’ve been listening to lately, a continuation of peony season, when i was filled with a new and amorphous hope for the future. that i’m in a state of reemergence after surgery and the depression that followed feels of no coincidence, but it also feels relational as shifts are coming into view, as i come back into myself after a period of being tethered so intricately to an external reality, perhaps a misaligned focus. i’ve been remembering what i love about new york, what i love about my life, with a curiosity about another way, another orientation to place.
A note: Diamond Jubilee the Cindy Lee album that “24/7 Heaven” appears on is not on streaming save for YouTube, which also has download and pay links in the description section. it’s an astonishing double album that’s been one of my favorite bodies of music i’ve given my attention this year.
4pm - claire rousay
Degrees of Freedom - Irreversible Entanglements
Materia - Julia Holter
Feelin’ It (feat. Mecca) - JAY-Z
Never Lose Me (feat. SZA & Cardi B) - Flo Milli
For a Day Like Today - Suzi Jane Hokum
2 Die 4 (feat. Charli XCX) - Addison Rae
Yabn El Eh - Elyanna
One Big Family - Future & Metro Boomin
Heaven Is - Kacey Musgraves
Deja Vu (Musaria Remix) - Larry Heard
Alter Ego - Doechii & JT
Suspension Without Suspense - No Doubt
Meanwhile - Caroline Polachek
The Gate (feat. Arca) - Björk
Lonely Little Girl - The Mothers of Invention
Suburban House (feat. Lana Del Rey) - Holly Macve
The Last Year - Jessica Pratt
Nova - Love Spirals Downward
Something on Your Mind - Karen Dalton
Space and Time - S.G. Goodman
Wild Motion (feat. Dougie Poole) - Drugdealer
Grandfather please stand on the shoulders of my father - Lana Del Rey
Wanna Be - GloRilla & Megan Thee Stallion
Probably - Still House Plants
Heaven Tonight - Hole
What Color Is Love - Terry Callier
24/7 Heaven - Cindy Lee
Celestial Pathways - Irreversible Entanglements